There are a bunch of different memes out there on how to be a parent, being pushed by people who have something to gain by catching your attention, with terms such as “helicopter” and “bulldozer” and “gentle”.
Listen to me, I have nothing to gain here, no one reads this anyway. I have seen a lot, what I say makes sense.
A Parent’s Job
Your job as parent is to give your child a safe space to grow, learn, mature, and slowly become more and more independent until leaving your nest as a healthy, self-confident, well-adjusted, happy, and productive adult. (It won’t all be perfect, but do your best.) Most of growing up is what your kid does, not you. You provide the environment.
Boundaries
You (better if there are two of you, because raising a child is a lot of work) are the responsible adult in charge, you need to to set clear boundaries. These go two ways. They are to constrain your child’s behavior (“Don’t hit your brother.”) and to protect your child from the dangers of the outside world.
These boundaries need to be clear. (“You know you should not to hit your brother.”) But it is also better if they are not too precisely codified. (“You never said I couldn’t trip him!”). It is better if the boundaries all have reason and intent (“You need to be nice to your brother, and you know putting peanut butter in his milk is not nice.”).
Some boundaries do need explicit rules (“Never cross the street unless an adult is holding your hand, you are too young to do that alone.”) but even there, intent is important, understanding that traffic is dangerous is better than a narrow rule only about “crossing”.
Don’t be a hypocrite, practice what you preach, set good examples. Teach values, and demonstrate that you honor those values, too.
Autonomy
This part is very important.
Inside the boundaries, give your child as much freedom and independence as possible. Participate, listen, communicate, be considerate (“Would you like Cheerios or Wheaties today?”), but do not micro-manage. Yes, make clear that trying to break the toy truck is not okay, but if the kid wants to play with it upside down, don’t interfere. Your job is to provide the safe environment, your child’s
job is to do all the crazy things kids think of as they learn and explore the world. Give you child as much freedom as you possibly can, within the boundaries you set.
When your child has questions answer them, be patient, never lie, say “I don’t know.” when you don’t (maybe go find out together if you have the time). Simplify so answers are understood, but only by leaving out detail, never “simplify” by saying things you know are not true, you never know how carefully a child is listening. Volunteer help when the child might be receptive (“Did you know the truck’s doors open?”), but still do not micro-manage.
It is great to play with your child, to teach and explain things, including giving advice, but don’t overwhelm.
Outside the Boundaries
Inside the boundaries give as much freedom as humanly possible.
But outside the boundaries you decide, you are the adult. Consider your child’s preferences (“Pirates of the Caribbean now?, the line is short, or lunch first?”) but do not ask for opinions on adult decisions (“Time to go home…”). Sure, explain decisions (“…because we are all getting tired.”), but you must take responsibility for decisions on the adult side the boundary. Being a child is complicated enough, do not add adult worries.
Do not negotiate, being a parent naturally carries enormous authority, preserve that. Do not undermine it by trying to be your child’s friend. A friend is a peer, you are a parent. Love your child, have fun with your child, talk with your child, have dinner with your child at a real table with real food and no electronic distractions, read to your child from infant to after your child can already read without you, laugh with your child, love your child, be ready to do anything for your child, but don’t try to be your child’s friend. That is a different role.
As a parent you have the right and obligation to physically intervene when necessary, and yelling can be affective—especially if used very sparingly, but do not use violence. You already have so much authority as a parent, cultivate that with your consistency, so you never feel any need to strike your child.
Teenagers
Adolescence is a difficult time for parents, but have sympathy, it is an even more difficult for children. Continue to give great freedom, within appropriate boundaries, and continue to make clear decisions outside the boundaries. These boundaries should become more subtle as your child becomes more sophisticated, but they still must be firm and clear. Explain, discuss, be patient, flexible enough, and forgiving. Sure, shake your head as you allow the silly clothes, but only to a point, even clothes can be dangerous. Continue to do what you can to keep your child safe.
Start early. Before your child begins to look up to older children and adolescents, point out how silly they can be. Establish prejudices against the reckless behavior and the peer pressure of teenagers all trying to be different also being the same, before they establish a grip on your child.
In going from child to adult, all teenagers will learn an enormous amount. Establish early a respect and love of learning so these teenage years can make your child’s world a bigger place, and not all spent on whatever is the hot fad of your child’s era. Sure, memorizing K-pop choreography might be great, but only up to a point. Maybe your child loves computers or might have what it takes to
go into the performing arts, but still insist upon a well rounded education. Arts and sciences. Both.
Addiction
Every generation has those who are swept up in addiction. Warn and educate your child about the dangers. Protect your child from the dangers. And remember that addiction is not just illegal drugs, it can be legal drugs—including alcohol and smoking, gambling, “smart” phones, engineered foods that are crafted to be profitable not nutritious, etc.
Start early: never use electronics as a babysitter or pacifier. And don’t ignore your child as you indulge in your social media addiction.
Perspective
Being a parent isn’t your only job, you have your own life to live. Your parenting won’t all be perfect, but children are resilient, do your best.
If you have a spouse or similar, keep that relationship strong. A good marriage should last longer than a childhood, and a good marriage is a great help in raising children, be patient, be loving, be a team. Work together, and don’t put a child above your spouse, that isn’t good for anyone.
And have fun, too.
A joke I heard: “Life doesn’t begin at birth or conception, life begins when the last kid leaves home and the dog dies.”
Leave a Reply